A Postmodern Retelling of the Parable of the Pharisee and the Publican

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A semi-representative sampling of religious Americans went to their respective place of worship to pray …

Evangelical Republican – “I thank you that I am not a homosexual, a pro-choicer, an evolutionist, or even like this welfare mom, an irresponsible drain on society. I voted for your servant, George W. Bush. I send my children to a private Christian school and I’m thinking about homeschooling next year. I give money to the American Family Association and Focus on the Family so that values will not disappear in the United States.”

Liberal Christian – “I thank you that I am not like this Fundamentalist: intolerant, judgmental, a bible-literalist, you know, an all-around jerk. I employ the latest in the critical apparatuses and scientific methodologies. I read the Jesus Seminar. I make sure people understand that you will not judge them but are there to help them actualize their reality, whatever reality they choose.”

Church Growth Expert – “Lord, I thank you that I am not bound by previous conventions of church polity like this small church pastor. I employ the best insights from the business world. I function as a CEO. I make Christianity as simple as possible. Your Gospel is a bit difficult for the average person to understand, you know. I use Power Point presentations. Our church looks like an office building. I remove any alien elements so that non-Christians will feel comfortable.”

Atheist – “I thank you that I am not like all these Christians, wasting their time praying to a non-existent deity. Wait a minute!”

Praise and Worship Leader – “I thank you, Lord (8X), that I am not (3X) singing hymns.”

Cultural Separatist (Pentecostal or Holiness variety) – “I thank you that I am not like any other person on the entire planet. I don’t watch TV, go to movies or listen to secular music. I don’t go to restaurants that serve alcohol. I certainly do not drink. In fact, I have purged my life of all fun. I believe in holiness, you know. It’s just me and you, Lord … Lord?”

Emergent Hipster – “I thank you. Lord, that I am not like this traditionalist: stiff, irrelevant, uncool, a real Gen-Xer, not. I practice authenticity by coordinating my fashion with my spirituality. I only act virtuous when I feel like it; there’s nothing worse than hypocrisy. I look, speak, act and think like the rest of society so that I can show them how relevant Christianity is. I’m not so sure it’s working. Amen.”

Christian Satirist – “Lord, I thank you that I am not like all these other morons, but I do thank you that they are around for me to make fun of. I take pen in hand and point out the faults of others in a humorous way. I think I’m pretty funny, don’t you? Amen”

Observant On-looker – “Lord, have mercy on me; I’m confused.”