axegrinder

"There was much of the beautiful, much of the wanton, much of the bizarre, something of the terrible, and not a little of that which might have excited disgust."

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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A Postmodern Retelling of the Parable of the Pharisee and the Publican

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A semi-representative sampling of religious Americans went to their respective place of worship to pray …

Evangelical Republican – “I thank you that I am not a homosexual, a pro-choicer, an evolutionist, or even like this welfare mom, an irresponsible drain on society. I voted for your servant, George W. Bush. I send my children to a private Christian school and I’m thinking about homeschooling next year. I give money to the American Family Association and Focus on the Family so that values will not disappear in the United States.”

Liberal Christian – “I thank you that I am not like this Fundamentalist: intolerant, judgmental, a bible-literalist, you know, an all-around jerk. I employ the latest in the critical apparatuses and scientific methodologies. I read the Jesus Seminar. I make sure people understand that you will not judge them but are there to help them actualize their reality, whatever reality they choose.”

Church Growth Expert – “Lord, I thank you that I am not bound by previous conventions of church polity like this small church pastor. I employ the best insights from the business world. I function as a CEO. I make Christianity as simple as possible. Your Gospel is a bit difficult for the average person to understand, you know. I use Power Point presentations. Our church looks like an office building. I remove any alien elements so that non-Christians will feel comfortable.”

Atheist – “I thank you that I am not like all these Christians, wasting their time praying to a non-existent deity. Wait a minute!”

Praise and Worship Leader – “I thank you, Lord (8X), that I am not (3X) singing hymns.”

Cultural Separatist (Pentecostal or Holiness variety) – “I thank you that I am not like any other person on the entire planet. I don’t watch TV, go to movies or listen to secular music. I don’t go to restaurants that serve alcohol. I certainly do not drink. In fact, I have purged my life of all fun. I believe in holiness, you know. It’s just me and you, Lord … Lord?”

Emergent Hipster – “I thank you. Lord, that I am not like this traditionalist: stiff, irrelevant, uncool, a real Gen-Xer, not. I practice authenticity by coordinating my fashion with my spirituality. I only act virtuous when I feel like it; there’s nothing worse than hypocrisy. I look, speak, act and think like the rest of society so that I can show them how relevant Christianity is. I’m not so sure it’s working. Amen.”

Christian Satirist – “Lord, I thank you that I am not like all these other morons, but I do thank you that they are around for me to make fun of. I take pen in hand and point out the faults of others in a humorous way. I think I’m pretty funny, don’t you? Amen”

Observant On-looker – “Lord, have mercy on me; I’m confused.”

13 Comments:

Blogger Andrew said...

did you just write that?

hilarious!

7:38 PM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger Rich said...

good stuff... as a worship leader, that particular retelling slayed me...

9:09 PM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger joc said...

sounds great...
may i publish this in my (little german) blog? i'd link you as author...

4:42 AM, August 12, 2005  
Blogger Pete Lev said...

Good one!

4:51 AM, August 12, 2005  
Blogger David U said...

Great post, brother! I found your blog thru Chris Gonzalez's blog. I will visit often!

DU

9:49 AM, August 12, 2005  
Blogger axegrinder said...

Thanks to all who commented.
1. Yes, I wrote it. Anything I do not write is credited to the third party source. That being said, I have no original thoughts.
2. Yes, you can link to me, my German friend (and anyone else, for that matter).
3. Don't know Chris Gonzalez.
4. To all, shoot me an email and let me know how you found my lil' blog.

10:24 PM, August 12, 2005  
Blogger Bridger said...

This is too funny...I am going to pass it around...

10:56 AM, August 13, 2005  
Blogger Pastor Tebbe said...

Jason,
It's getting better and better all the time.

3:32 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Gem said...

Found you through Chris Gonzalez (Fajita) as well.

8:19 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger swirlypine said...

okay, we are attempting the same thing, but you obviously have a great headstart on us. check out swirlypine.com for our somewhat less poignant attempt. the emergent hipster demographic is one we've been researching with much fun. Thanks for a thoughtful site.

8:37 AM, August 20, 2005  
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